Nailing the Rupture and Repair
I was running late for getting myself ready for work and Oliver sorted for daycare drop off one morning and Oliver wanted to play a game.
My hair was frizzy, teeth unbrushed and I wasn’t dressed.
Oliver had been taking what felt like forever to eat his breakfast, he wasn’t dressed either and his bag wasn’t packed.
Time was ticking away quickly. My shark music (my feelings of anxiousness about being late) was well and truly underway as I kept looking at the clock, rushing around trying to get both of sorted for the day ahead.
Add in what I believe to be undiagnosed ADHD and the house is in chaos, I can’t find where I’ve put anything and I move from one thing to the next without finishing any of it off.
‘Can you do this puzzle with me?’ Oliver asks as he finds me in the bathroom.
‘No, I’m trying to get us ready. You need to hurry up or we’ll be late for daycare’. I responded abruptly.
Cue the punching, kicking, screaming from Oliver, ripped leaves and a trail of tipped over pot plants all over the floor throughout the house.
Great…that was exactly what I wanted to deal with. I didn’t have time for it.
I blew up. Beyond triggered. I saw fear in his eyes. Immediately I felt awful and realised what I had done.
‘I’m sorry for yelling at you. You really wanted me to play the puzzle with you and I was worried we would be late. I should have shook my worries out instead of yelling. Next time I feel worried I’ll shake them out and come and help you get started with your puzzle.’
We hugged and we went on with our day.
We’re not about ‘perfect parenting’ and needing to get parenting right 100% of the time here at Nurture, Play and Healing. I make a living out of supporting parents to parent in ways that feel good, and yet I sometimes struggle and make parenting mistakes all the time.
Perfect parenting is an unrealistic expectation that we often set for ourselves. It sets us up for failure, ends in blame and missed opportunities for both our kids and ourselves to grow.
We’re about ‘good enough parenting’ here and supporting you to do it. Parenting that’s attuned and responsive to not only your kids needs, but to your needs as well.
Ruptures happen in all types of relationships. Parent-child relationships, partner relationships, friendships, work relationships. Ruptures are common and an inevitable part of relationships that happen on the daily.
But in parent-child relationships, it’s not the absence of ruptures that lead to children feeling safe and secure, it’s the healthy repairing of ruptures that lead children to feel safe and secure.
Problems occur when ruptures go repetitively unrepaired the impacts on attachment development, attachment style, the type and qualities of relationships in adulthood, self esteem and mental wellness which can be long lasting.
In this blog post I explain what a rupture is and how they happen. I’ll explain what a healthy repair looks like and take you through the steps of how to nail the repair when ruptures do occur so you can feel armed with the tools to respond to ruptures in ways that not only feel good to yourself, but for your kids as well.
What is a rupture and how do they happen?
Putting it simply, in parent-child relationships a rupture occurs when us parents are unable to meet our kid’s needs for whatever reason.
In ‘Circle of Security Parenting’ language, a rupture means that we’ve taken our hands off the Circle and we’re either unable to support our kid’s need for autonomy or their need for safety and connection.
They can occur when there’s misattunement.
They can occur when we’re preoccupied with needing to meet our day to day responsibilities.
They can occur when we feel triggered and prioritise our own needs for safety and protection over our kids like in the story of myself and my child Oliver.
A rupture can look like:
- yelling at a child for whatever reason.
- sending a child to their room instead of finding out what’s causing their problem.
- leaving a child alone to figure out why they’re feeling the way they do and to fix their problem themselves.
- stopping a child from being out and exploring their world because we’re worried the world is an unsafe place.
- doing things for our kids when they’re more than capable because we’re worried that they won’t need us.
Ruptures can also occur unintentionally when we need to leave our children for the day while we head off to work, focused on getting dinner ready when our kids want us to play or when we’re talking to others and ignore our kids’ attempts at connecting with us.
What does repair mean?
A repair happens when us adults acknowledge we make a mistake, take responsibility for the way we behaved and make genuine and sincere amends with our kids.
A repair could be:
- apologising to our kids and voicing what you did wrong.
- spending time reconnecting with our kids.
- choosing to ‘be with’ our kids in their feelings after they’ve explained why they were so upset or angry.
- expressing empathy towards our kids instead of blaming, rejecting, correcting or lecturing.
A repair isn’t:
- asking our kids for forgiveness.
- punishing ourselves for our behaviour.
- blaming ourselves.
- paying off with gifts, privileges or special treatment.
How to Nail the Repair
Repairing ruptures can be hard. It requires us to look at ourselves, admit that we were wrong, admit that we made a mistake and to take responsibility. As an adult, this can be easier said than done, especially if we haven’t had a lot of experience in our own parent relationships.
Here’s how you can nail the repair when a rupture has occurred in your relationship with your child.
When you’re feeling upset and your child is upset:
Realise that a rupture has occurred and that you’ve taken your hands off the Circle.
Realise that you’re a ‘Bigger, Stronger, Wiser and Kind’ caregiver.
Remind yourself that no matter how you’re feeling at this moment, your child needs you.
Sometimes time away from one another is needed for you to get your hands back on their Circle and to ground yourself. If you need time away from your child, let them know. Remember, time away is not a punishment.
When you are calm (enough) and your child is still upset:
Take charge and maintain a calm tone of voice.
Do something different for a bit – read a book or play a game together.
Help your child to find words to what they’re feeling and thinking.
Talk about how you’re feeling about what happened.
Stay with your child until they’re calm enough (it can take a while).
When you are calm (enough) and your child is calm (enough):
Acknowledge you’ve made a mistake.
Take responsibility for your role in it.
Help your child use words for what they’re needing and feeling. Help them take responsibility for their part in it too.
Talk about new ways of dealing with the problem in the future and even practice a ‘re-do’.
Now you try it!
Making a repair when a rupture has occurred can be hard, but it’s necessary if we want our kids to feel safe and secure with us. It’s when ruptures go continuously unrepaired when problems occur. It’s not too late to start practicing. You wont get it right all that time and that’s okay. Remember, all your child needs is for you to be good enough.
If you’d like more support to help you parent in ways that feel good for yourself and for your kids:
‘Exploring Triggers’ Worksheet
It has prompts to help you explore your triggers and your Shark Music with curiosity – purchase here.
Parenting Education and Support (Australia wide) – refer yourself here.
Work 1:1 with one of our practitioners to learn how you can parent in ways that promote safety and security.
Circle of Security Parenting Program (Australia wide) – refer yourself here.
Where you can take an in depth drive into your child’s needs on the circle, how to meet those needs, unpack your Shark Music and why it’s there.
