3 ways to remain regulated during ‘those’ stressful moments
Anger tantrums, temper tantrums, meltdowns, emotional outbursts, aggression, anger outbursts. Whatever you’d like to label them.
We’ve all been there. Those moments of high energy, highly triggering, highly intensive moments of emotion that seem to happen at the worst possible times in the worst possible places. Some parents may have been there more often than others, but we’ve all been there.
I’m going to bet that there have been times when you’ve responded in a way that we never wanted to. Like snapping, yelling, swearing, even walking away and leaving them to deal with whatever they’re dealing with on their own. This ends up leaving you feeling guilty and a sense of shame about how you responded.
In this post I’ll share seven ways that can help you remain connected to yourself during one of your child’s angry outbursts.
1. Bringing awareness to what you’re feeling in your body
2. Keeping yourself regulated through focused breathing or movement and giving yourself permission to remove yourself when you need to
3. Understanding your own Window of Tolerance, your triggers and being mindful of mirroring
These seven ways can help you to minimise the chances of responding to your child in a way that you might regret later and then it leaves you feeling guilty and shameful.
1. Bringing awareness to what you’re feeling in your body
I had never really realised how disconnected I was to what I was feeling in my body until I started my counselling job at Nurture, Play and Healing. In this job it’s important for me to be connected to what I’m feeling and where I feel it in my body.
This is so I can get an understanding about what the child or parent that I’m working with is showing me (it’s called transference).
It’s so I don’t get caught up in the intensity of the anger and aggression that can happen in the playroom (even though it’s play, my brain and body can interpret it as a genuine threat to my safety and it can send me into a fight/flight/freeze response).
It’s important for me to remain connected to myself so I can help the person that I’m working with regulate their emotions through co-regulation, because if my brain and body are busy getting caught up in the intensity of it all and keeping myself safe, I can’t be there and present for that little person I’m working with.
Becoming reconnected to ourselves is a skill that takes a bit of practice, but once you get in the habit of becoming aware of what you’re feeling in your body and where you feel it, it becomes second nature and something that is hard to unlearn.
This skill is incredibly useful not only when your child is experiencing an emotional outburst or an aggressive episode, but in the lead up to the outburst as well. If we can pay attention, pick up on those cues and intervene earlier there’s the possibility of avoiding that angry outburst all together.
2. Keeping yourself regulated through focused breathing or movement and giving yourself permission to remove yourself when you need to
Recently I found myself in the midst of my toddler’s meltdown. It happened during a time when I thought he was engrossed in his activity long enough to give me time to make a start on my annual taxes. My toddler came over and wanted to watch The Wiggles on my Mac. At that time I wasn’t paying my full attention to him, but doing my best to manage both of our wants.
It didn’t take long for this interaction to turn into frustration from both of us. I was getting frustrated because I thought I had a perfect solution, but Oliver was getting frustrated with me because I wasn’t fully listening. This quickly moved from Oliver clinging to my clothes to dropping his body weight, throwing his head back, yelling and screaming and crying.
As the saying goes, ‘When you’re not feeling heard, you get louder’, right?
From that moment the world had stopped and I realised that neither one of us were getting what we wanted and we were now dealing with an even bigger issue.
I gave him space to let out all of the energy that had built up in his body while I sat with him, focusing on my breathing and keeping myself regulated so I could be his secure base and emotional anchor.
When I’m thinking of myself as a secure base and another’s emotional anchor, I find it helpful for me to visualise myself as a tree. My body and centre of gravity is the tree trunk, roots are coming from my feet going firmly into the ground and all the energy and chaos that’s happening around me is the wind that moves the branches and the leaves of the tree around, going with the flow.
Sometimes it can be hard to not get caught up in the intensity of it all and keep ourselves regulated. This is where we can find ourselves beginning to feel frustrated, we might snap and become short tempered and our voice might begin to sound stern and gruff.
When this happens I’d like you to know that it is okay to leave the room briefly to do whatever you need to do to return to a more regulated state.
If you find that you’re in a state where you need to do this, it’s important to make a judgement call about whether your child will be safe for 10-20 seconds or so and communicate your need to take a quick break so they don’t interpret this as you abandoning them.
When I get in this sort of state, I’ll say ‘wow, I’m feeling really frustrated right now. I need a quick break and I’ll be right back.’ I might leave the room briefly so I can recompose, and then I’ll come back to try again, using a bit of playfulness and humour this time.
3. Understanding your own Window of Tolerance, your triggers and being mindful of mirroring
You’ve probably been in a situation where you’ve found yourself getting caught up in your child’s angry outburst. I know I have.
I’m remembering a time recently when I wanted to change my son’s dirty nappy. Nappy changes have become a big trigger point for me, almost to the point where I’m literally groaning at the thought of changing it. Of course I have a toddler who is super regular and poops 2-3 times per day (is this normal?)
Of course it was one of those times when we were about to head out the door to an appointment, it was one of those times where he had pood and it was everywhere. I wanted to change it quickly because there was somewhere we needed to be and it reeked.
Would he lie down? No.
Would he lie still? No.
At this point he had completely lost it and if I’m honest with you, I did too.
I remember feeling so frustrated because I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to lie there. I remember becoming short tempered, snapping a lot and my voice was getting louder and firmer.
There wasn’t a lot of regulation going on and looking back on it now, we were mirroring each other.
Having an awareness of your own Window of Tolerance and what is particularly triggering for you can help you remain connected to yourself and can help you minimise responding in ways that you later regret.
After we were done, I knew some repair to our relationship was needed. I felt bad about the way that I had behaved, because I had gotten myself in a state where I was getting short with him and my voice was becoming gruff.
I gave him a cuddle, apologised for the way I behaved and explained what I could have done differently. I said to him ‘mum was feeling frustrated. I should have taken a breather when I realised this wasn’t working and tried again.’
When you have an understanding of what triggers you and your own Window of Tolerance, you are in a powerful position to recognise what could potentially be a trigger, assess how big your Window of Tolerance might be in the moment and then make a plan of how you’re going to get the outcome that works for both of you in a way that’s relatively stress free and causes minimal harm.
Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth.