May 27, 2023

Could Feeling Unsafe be at the bottom of your child’s triggering behaviours?

Has your kid ever behaved in a way that made you think:

‘Wow…this is feeling really intense…’

What if I told you that the behaviour you’re seeing on the outside is the result of what’s happening on the inside?

And what’s happening on the inside is a response to something your kid’s brain has perceived as dangerous, threatening or some sort of challenge?

You know what?

YOUR KID’S BRAIN IS DOING A MASSIVE THING (and your brain too).

Your kid’s brain is constantly scanning for danger and for safety.

It’s using ALL OF THE SENSORY INFORMATION that the body is taking in (4 billion pieces of information every second) and is asking the questions:

‘Is it safe?’

‘Is it not safe?’

FOUR TIMES EVERY SECOND.

And the question ‘Is it safe?’ is the number one question the brain and body wants answered before anything else.

Those triggering behaviours that you’re seeing on the outside can give us incredible information about what’s happening on the inside and where your kid is at in terms of their States of Regulation.

What you’re seeing on the outside is an indicator that your kid has perceived some sort of danger, threat or challenge, is lacking safety and IS NOT FEELING SAFE.

But here’s the thing though, it’s not as simple as ‘being safe’.

It’s about ‘feeling safe’ and ‘feeling safe’ and ‘being safe’ are two completely different things.

In this blog post we unpack:

The concept of ‘felt safety’, what it is and the three places we look for cues of safety and danger.
Why feeling unsafe may be at the bottom of your kid’s challenging behaviours that you’re seeing and experiencing.
How feeling safe is different to being safe.
We’ll explore the concept of ‘felt safety’ relate to a family we recently worked with.

What is a felt sense of safety (neuroception of safety)?

An Automatic Process

Deep within our brain and body lies our Autonomic Nervous System. Within our nervous system, out of our conscious awareness, we have an incredible ability to detect threat, danger and safety. Our brain and body is always making sense of sensations it feels and judges it to be ‘safe’ or ‘not safe’.

A psychologist and neuroscientist named, Dr Stephen Porges, labelled our brain and body’s ability to detect danger and safety as ‘neuroception’.

Our neuroception is an automatic process, kind of like a computer that is always running in the background and its purpose is to tell us to get prepared for action or in-action.

Everyone’s Neuoception of Safety is Different

Our neuroception of safety is unique. What we perceive as safe (or dangerous) is unique to us and is different to everyone else. This means that what one person describes as feeling safe, could be perceived as threatening to somebody else. We make meaning of the information we receive about our sensations based on our past experiences, our genetics, our culture, our knowledge and understanding.

For example, one person may perceive eye contact as safe and as a way to connect, while others may perceive eye contact as uncomfortable, threatening and unsafe.

The Places We Look for Safety

We all experience the world through our senses – our senses of sight, sense of smell, sense of sound, taste, touch and what we feel inside our body. Our neuroeception of safety assess all of this information and decides whether it’s safe or not safe.

We look for safety (and danger) in three places.

In the environment.

In the relationship with the person or people in front of us.

In the body.

Meet Tom and his mum Hannah – A Quest to Promote Cues of Safety

I’d like to introduce you to a boy named Tom and his mum, Hannah. Hannah and her son, Tom, both struggled at daycare drop off. Hannah reached out to us to help her navigate how she could make daycare drop offs that little bit easier for Tom (and for herself).

On the way to daycare Tom would scream and cry, refusing to go. Once they were there Hannah would have a hard time getting him out of the car and into the centre, often triggering her own feelings of anxiousness and distress. Daycare drop offs were incredibly stressful for both mum and for Tom. Tom’s behaviour was consistent with a child who felt unsafe and was triggered by unknowns.

We were curious about how Tom perceived danger and his experiences of safety by looking at what was triggering, what became triggered and what he was needing in each moment.

You can work through this too by purchasing our ‘Exploring Triggers’ worksheet here.

Tom’s Neuroception of Danger and Safety

Throughout Tom’s daycare drop off routine, there was a fair amount of inconsistency and unpredictability. He didn’t know what days he was attending daycare throughout the week. Sometimes he’d be dropped off at daycare early in the day. Other times he’d be dropped off a little later when his key educator was present.

Neuroception of Safety and Danger in the Environment

Throughout Tom’s drop off routine, Tom was perceiving cues of danger within his environment. The inconsistency and unpredictability of his drop offs triggered feelings of anxiousness and insecurity.

Tom was unsure where he was going on what day. He was unsure what educators would be present or what children would typically be present depending on what time he’d be dropped off. He was also unsure about what activities were planned for the day.

Neuroception of Safety and Danger in his Relationships

Not only was Tom perceiving danger in his environments, he was also perceiving danger in his relationships with others. He was perceiving danger in his relationships with educators that he didn’t really know, as well as perceiving danger in his relationship with his mum as misattunement and ruptures to their relationship occurred, when his mum’s anxiousness and stress became triggered.

Promoting a felt sense of Safety in his Environment

We worked with Hannah and Tom’s educators on ways that they could promote a felt sense of safety in Tom’s environments and relationships so we could help him start his day with as much success as possible. We did this by creating an environment for Tom that was as consistent and predictable as possible, as well as promoting relationships with other educators in the centre that felt safe and secure for him.

We helped mum put together a weekly calendar for Tom so he could see what was happening for the next day.

We encouraged mum to drop off Tom around the same time each daycare day. We started off with drop offs when Tom’s key educator was there while we helped Tom work towards another goal of building safe and secure relationships with his other educators. Drop offs when his key educator was present were more successful than when they weren’t, so we started with what was already working.

We recommended mum and his educators set up a communication book as a way to share what activities were planned for the following day. This helped mum have conversations with Tom about what he’d be doing the next time he was attending daycare, as a way to make his daycare days more predictable.

Promoting a Felt Sense of Safety in his Relationships

We worked with mum building her skills in attunement with Tom’s feelings and needs, as well as her own. We also worked with mum, building her skills of emotional coaching to support Tom feeling seen and heard when he became anxious or insecure. As Tom felt more seen and heard and his needs for comfort were met more often than not, they both experienced less misattunement and less ruptures within their relationship. As time went on Tom began to feel more safe and secure within his relationship with his mum during daycare drop off. Mum also experienced less anxiousness too.

We worked with his educators around how we could help Tom build relationships with his educators based on safety and security. We set up a welcoming ritual for Tom so his truely felt like the hands on his circle were being passed onto the next person. Before we started working with Tom and his educators, Tom felt like he didn’t have a safe haven or secure base to return to after his mother left. We also encouraged his educators to focus on moments where Tom’s play and exploration could be enjoyed and delighted in by his educators.

Tom’s daycare drop offs became more consistent and predictable. Tom expressed less stress and anxiety and most of the time his drop offs were not distressing. Tom’s day was set up for success as he felt safe and secure with his educators and his emotional cup filled quickly during his welcoming ritual.

What’s the Difference Between Being Safe and Feeling Safe?

Being safe and feeling safe are two completely different concepts. One does not necessarily mean the other.

We can ‘be safe’ and not necessarily ‘feel safe’. We can help others to ‘be safe’ and promote more cues of safety for them, but we also can’t make them ‘feel safe’.

For Tom, we know that it was highly likely his daycare was a safe place to go, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he felt safe going there. After being curious about what was really happening under the surface, we could all make simple changes that promoted environments and relationships of safety.

Where to from here?

The next time your kids behave in a way that makes you think:

‘Wow…this is feeling really intense,’ or it triggers your own feelings of discomfort and anxiousness, be curious about whether what you’re seeing on the outside is a person who is feeling unsafe on the inside.

Be curious about whether there’s something in the environment that they’re perceiving as threatening or a danger.

Be curious about whether there’s misattunement or ruptures that are occurring in their relationships or whether you’re unintentionally communicating danger through your own verbal and non-verbal communication.

Be curious about whether there could be feelings of danger occurring in their body. For Tom, feeling unsafe in his body wasn’t so applicable in this scenario, but what we mean by feeling unsafe in the body could relate to feeling overwhelmed by sensory information, hunger, illness or other biological processes.

I’d argue that feeling safe is one of the most important things for us as humans.

Feeling safe allows us to learn, be playful and creative, connect with others and be our best selves because our brain and body aren’t preoccupied with keeping us safe and alive.

Not to mention, ‘am I safe?’ Is the number one question our brain is asking four times every second, so that’s gotta be pretty up there in terms of importance!

Feeling safe really allows each and every one of us to grow and thrive. And that includes you as a parent too!

Let’s start working towards promoting and communicating safety to our kids (and to ourselves) so we can parent in ways that feel good and support you and your kids to thrive.

For more suggestions around how you can promote and communicate safety to yourself and for your kids, join the email list.

Ashleigh Stimpson
Founder of Nurture, Play and Healing, Play Therapist and Parenting Coach