How to have hard conversations with your kids
Have you ever found yourself in an unfortunate position where you’ve needed to have hard conversations with your kids?
I’m not talking about those hard conversations we have when we’re not able to do our kids’ favourite activities or they’re not able to have their favourite treat because we’re out.
I’m talking about those conversations that are heavy, that are uncomfortable and are even hard for us adults to make sense of.
Often they’re conversations about disappointment, about loss or shame. The types of conversations that trigger our own discomfort and anxiety or the types of conversations we prefer to avoid all together.
I had one of those conversations a little while ago when I told Oliver about the loss of his sibling.
Telling Oliver about my miscarriage wasn’t my first choice. I treated the miscarriage as a private event that I didn’t think was for three year olds. But Oliver, who can seem beyond his years, knew something was up.
It makes sense when he had seen me in ways that he had never seen me before – consumed by my sadness and sorrow at times. Sometimes it was hard to hold the tears in while doing tasks we find in the everyday.
‘Why are you feeling sad?’ he asked innocently. He’d remain persistent until I gave in.
‘Mummy had a baby in her belly but it died and went to heaven. Now it’s a star in the sky that shines the brightest.’
During our conversations in the coming weeks (and every now and again) we’d talked about loss, our feelings and beliefs about what happens when we lose people or things that are important to us and that loss is a normal part of life.
There will be times in your life where you might find yourself in a similar situation – needing to have hard conversations. So I like to share with you how you can have these hard conversations with your kids in ways that promote safety, gentleness and without letting your own anxiety and discomfort get in the way.
In this blog post I’ll share with you three things that I hope will help you feel more at ease, confident and help having these conversations seem a little bit easier.
What’s most important is that you and your child remain safe.
Share a story that you (and anyone else) can sit with and are comfortable with.
You’ll want to have a story and use words that you’re comfortable with and are able to sit with. Hard conversations are hard for a reason. They can be incredibly triggering, so it’s important to share a story and use words that you’re able to sit with without becoming so consumed in your own emotional response. You want to be in a position where you can hold space for the person in front of you.
Your kids will be looking to you for your leadership. They want you to be in charge and are confident in what you’re sharing. If they feel your hands are off their circle (not physically or emotionally present), they’ll feel unsafe.
If a partner or other family members are involved it’s helpful to have a shared understanding of what happened or is happening. Having a shared understanding helps so everyone can share the story or message in a way that’s consistent. If there isn’t a shared understanding, this can lead to confusion and trigger feelings of anxiousness and worry when your kids are told different things.
If it’s only you, chances are they’ll want to keep talking about it in the weeks and months after. Again, it’s helpful to be consistent with your message.
Be honest, keep to the facts and share only what’s appropriate for your child’s level of development
I talk a lot in my work about being honest, authentic and congruent. Children know when there’s a mismatch between what you’re telling them and your non verbal language tells them something different. Kids feel far safer when you’re honest, authentic and congruent than when you’re not. So if your kid’s ask you a question and you don’t know the answer, tell them you don’t know. It’s okay not to know things.
Be mindful of how old your child is and what they’re developmentally able to understand. Your child’s developmental age will influence what you consider to be appropriate to share with them, what details you share with them and the type of words and language that you use.
You wouldn’t necessarily have the same conversation with a three year old versus a 12 year old. Pre-teens naturally might feel more curious about the details and have more understanding about the world around them.
Take a breath, allow space and listen
Take a breath (or two…or three). Hard conversations are heavy and emotional. Do what you need to help regulate what you’re feeling so that you minimise becoming so consumed by your own emotional response. Taking a breath is simple and your kids will mirror you and breathe too.
Allow space for your words to sink in. Sometimes it might take a little moment for what you’re saying to process and sink in. Silence is okay.
Listen to what your kids have to say.
If they ask questions, answer them in the best way you can.
If they’re feeling sad or worried, reflect their feelings and offer them empathy and compassion.
Help them to make sense of what’s happened or what’s been said.
But why have hard conversations with our kids anyway?
I would LOVE to live in a world where tragedy doesn’t happen and we could protect our kids from ALL THE THINGS.
Unfortunately we don’t. Life is full of tragedy and hard stories and at one point or another something big is bound to happen. We can’t stop our kids from experiencing them, but we can show them how to cope in ways that are safe to themselves and to others – an important skill that will serve them well in adulthood.
Despite feeling so damn hard and uncomfortable, having hard conversations can offer us and our kids wonderful opportunities.
Opportunities for us to model discomfort, being brave and us doing hard things.
Opportunities for us to model healthy and safe expression of feelings and for kids to learn how.
Opportunities for connection and for moments where our kids can feel held and listened to without judgement and full of compassion.
In my case we have opportunities for new rituals that acknowledge and reflect upon a life that would never be lived.
All of these reminders helped me share with Oliver what happened to me and their little sibling who is no longer with us.
And despite what happened and my initial choice not to share the news with Oliver, I’m actually glad and grateful that he persisted. I could offer him so much more than I could have if he hadn’t and now we have a way for us to feel connected with his sibling when we search for the brightest star in the sky.
Next steps
Do you have a hard conversation to have and are you still feeling unsure about where to start? If so, there’s no judgement here. Only empathy and compassion. Hard conversations are hard for a reason.
Let us help. Book an appointment with our practitioners and we can help you find a place to start.
Until next time,
Ashleigh Stimpson
Nurture, Play and Healing Founder and Play Therapist
