3 ways to communicate safety to your kids

It had been six weeks since I miscarried our baby for the second time and I was due for a follow up appointment with our specialist.  I’d been given the task of completing blood tests in preparation to investigate whether there was a reason for our reoccurring miscarriages or whether they were both one of those 1 in 4 pregnancy outcomes of pregnancy and we were unlucky.

Reflecting back I felt that I had come a long way over those six weeks. 

• I’d finally worked my way through the stress response, which took a solid three to four weeks.
• I was feeling safe, balanced and connected most of the time and
• I had also moved into a place of reflection; reflecting over the unexpected gifts, knowledge and wisdom that the traumatic experience had offered me with gratitude.

I knew I was feeling anxious about this appointment.  I’d been going over the conversation in my head, trying to remember all the questions that I wanted to ask.  I’d hardly slept the night before, lying in bed awake until 1am in the morning.

An Activated Body Response

The following morning while Hubby Adrian was at work I received a text message.  Adrian told me that he didn’t think he’d be able to leave his workplace and make it into the appointment with me.

Whoa, okay.

I could feel my body move into an activated stress response immediately.

I wanted to head into the appointment wanting an upfront, honest and realistic conversation.  This meant there was the potential for me to hear some hard news, sending me into feelings of grief and shame all over again.  I really didn’t want to be alone for that.

What I could feel in my body

On the way to the appointment I could feel the activation of my fight/flight  response was becoming more and more intense.

• My chest was tight.
• My breathing was shallow and fast.
• My hands were sweaty.
• My eyes were watering to the point of crying.

I could feel that my body was pumping itself up, preparing for action.

I figured I’d get to my appointment early so I could sit in the waiting room and give me time to get my bearings, adjust and feel safe enough to take in at least some of what was said during the appointment.

How I tried to find safety

Sitting in the waiting room was hard.

I tried every skill that I could think of to regulate all of my anxiousness that I was feeling in my body.

• I tried breathing.
• I tried giving myself a big bear hug and telling myself ‘I am safe’.
• I tried wiggling my toes in my shoes and stretching my legs.

• I tried rubbing my arms.

• I tried focusing on my senses by watching the clouds move in the sky and listening to the sounds of the waiting room.

While some things helped me remain regulated, connected to myself and in the here and now, it didn’t take long for another wave of emotion to take over, making me want to run away from the clinic as fast as I could.

Everything that I was feeling was beginning to feel too big and hard to not get caught up in.  It was feeling a lot bigger than anxiousness.

A message came through on my phone. It read, ‘I can come in.  I’m about to catch an Uber.’ 

Temporary relief.

It wasn’t until hubby Adrian walked in and sat with me that I felt my body and nervous system begin to ease.

I finally felt safe.

In this blog post I share how you can use your grounded and connected presence as an anchor for your child, communicating safety when your child is feeling unsafe and dysregulated.

I share three ways that you can use your body and your presence including:

• Grounded and regulated nervous system

• Soft body expressions and tones

• Mirroring

Introduction to Neuroception of Safety and Danger

I go into the concept of ‘Neuroception of Safety and Danger’ in detail here, but in summary our Neuroception of Safety (or felt sense of safety) is an automatic process, deep within our Autonomic Nervous System that occurs under our conscious awareness.  Our Neuroception of Safety (felt sense of safety) is unique to each of us and our perception of danger is informed by our past experiences.

Our neuroception is constantly scanning for danger and for safety in three places:

• In the environment

• In our relationship with others

• In our body

Waiting in the waiting room my neuroception was telling me that there was danger everywhere at the clinic.  The clinic and consulting room played a big part on the day of my miscarriage.  It was where I saw a lot and I felt a lot, so it was to be expected that I would be anxious in the waiting room.

Although reflecting back and working my way through ‘Exploring Triggers’ worksheet, I realised I was feeling a lot more than anxiousness.  I was feeling the same fear and terror I felt when I was alone in the hospital.

How we look for safety in our relationships with others

When we’re with others, our body is taking in a lot of sensory information and sending it up to our brain to make a judgement about whether what we’re sensing and perceiving is safe or dangerous.  A lot of the time we’re looking at non-verbal communication rather than verbal information.

We’re looking at whether the person in front of us is feeling safe and connected or whether they’re feeling unsafe or threatened too.

We’re looking at whether the person in front of us could be our safe haven and meet our need of comfort and protection if we need it.

We’re looking at whether the person in front of us is empathetic and compassionate towards us or whether they’re rejecting or judging us.

We’re looking at whether the person is behaving in a way that’s threatening.  This could be based on their facial expressions, their tone, their body movements or how they’re behaving.

We’re looking at whether the person in front of us is being authentic and congruent, because if they’re not, they’re letting us know that they’re not safe.

When hubby Adrian came into the waiting room and sat with me, it felt like he was every one of these things.  My body and brain were picking up on all of the cues of safety, anchoring me and it felt like my body was easing and becoming more grounded and connected almost instantly.

So I bet you’re wondering how you can communicate safety to your child in such a powerful and profound way when your child’s feeling unsafe, distressed and disconnected too.

The great news is, I’m going to bet that you’re doing it already!

Three Ways you can Communicate Safety to Others

Grounded and Regulated Nervous System

One way that you can communicate safety to your child is through your grounded and regulated nervous system within your body.  When you’re feeling grounded and regulated you’re feeling safe and are not becoming caught up in your own fight/flight response.  You’re also able to feel a whole range of feelings without them being too much or by becoming overwhelmed by them.

Feeling grounded and regulated means that you’re able to be a safe and secure base (or anchor) for your child.  It allows you to respond to your child’s needs in an attentive and logical way.  Feeling grounded and regulated means that you can also offer opportunities for co-regulation, so your child can borrow from your nervous system to help regulate theirs, much like hubby Adrian did with me without even knowing what he was doing.

Soft Body Expressions and Tones

There’s something soothing about being on the receiving end of another’s soft body expressions and verbal tones.  Soft body expressions and tones let others know that you’re open, you’re engaged, you’re present and that you’re ready to listen and meet their needs.

When your child is feeling unsafe, dysregulated and disconnected, soften your body and your face and speak in a lower, softer tone.

Mirroring

Mirroring relates to the point above.  The brain can do an incredible thing.  It can mirror what another is doing simply by watching and observing.  They’re called mirror neurons and we can use mirror neurons as a way to communicate that we’re present and that we’re there with our kids in whatever emotion they may be feeling.  Mirror neurons allow us to help children to down regulate through co-regulation, but they can also exacerbate the chaos through co-deregulation (no shame or judgement here, we’ve all been there!).

Through your soft and relaxed body language, your soft facial expressions, your soft and low tones and getting down on your child’s level, their mirror neurons will eventually help them to soften and relax their body too.

Your child’s brain is constantly looking for danger and for safety four times every second and it’s looking for it in three places:

• in the environment

• in their body

• in their relationship with the person or people in front of them

You can play an important role in communicating safety to your child simply through your presence and non-verbal communication.  Your grounded and regulated presence can offer an anchor for your child to hold on to when they’re feeling unsafe and dysregulated, much like hubby Adrian was an anchor for me.

For more ways that you can promote environments and communicate safety to yourself and for your kids, join our email list.

Ashleigh Stimpson
Nurture, Play and Healing Founder, Play Therapist and Parenting Coach

Other Services Mentioned in this Blog Post

‘Exploring Triggers’ worksheet – purchase here.